bad but safe

today I will do the therapy function of a blog. that is: curhat and refleksi some other things that I just learn about myself. Maybe this blog is not the right place coz prolly some bunch of 'caring friends' are reading it. but, WHO CARES! that's why blog was made ONLINE.
Its about my comfort zone, my safe zone.The timing and moment when I feel safe and secure. I don't know why I feel insecure but hey, its life!

• when I am abusing someone, or something. verbally of course. I consider myself a qualified verbal-abuser. At least I would think really hard just to make a set of sentence that will hurt or abuse the specific object. Most of the time, the abusive behaviour is conducted straight to the object, preferable in their face. This what build me into a strategic person. Often, I try to make a strategy to abuse my object for days, and the strategy better be a well planned one.
  jahat memang. SALAH. jahat banget. however I do feel safe when doing this. You can argue that I am the kind of person who get their security (secure feeling) by showing or excercising my power over someone or something. YES, I probably am. Ga tau kenapa. This has become my dark side of personality. Yg bikin md licik, rese, cynical, nyebelin.. you name it. this trait has been dwelling in my body as part of my personality for *as far as I'm concern* my whole life or at least since I was in the age of searching for a self.
  Mungkin, pas kecil I was in the submissive position that I have a determination to conquer the world.. or at least show people that I do have power. and the time I feel safe is when I excercise my power. my brain for the bad.
  I never have an intention to change. to be a nicer person. I have change, I think. I abuse people less frequent than before I came here to Melben. Ask my hischool friends for a confirmation. betapa jutek, nyebelin nya md. huaaah..


• When people give me weird look or simply stating that they hate me or they don't like me. Weird huh?! yes. sebagai akibat dari kelakuan md diatas, banyak yg sebel ato ngga suka ama md. Anehnya, dengan ngga sukanya mereka ama md, I feel safe. This is weird and not good, coz it makes me addicted to abuse someone or something even more.
  Mungkin dengan sebelnya orang atau dengan nggasukanya orang, md "dijauhin" org.. md ngerasa md ga perlu peduli apa kata orang, which is again bad karna dengan ga peduli kata orang.. md jadi ngga open minded dan kemungkinan untuk berubah to be a better person jadi lebih kecil. Tapi apa boleh buat. Again, this is one of my trait that is so typical of manda that will be very very hard to change.


• when I keep my mouth shut. This will explain everything *MAYBE*. I feel safe pas md lagi diem. Kalau begitu.. knapa md bukan pendiem? knapa md malah cerewet, banyak omong, talkative ato apapun lah namanya? I DONT KNOW.
  *wohooo.. you see how helpful this explanation is? hahaha*
  Sama dengan dua dot points diatas.. apa yg md lakuin most of the time BUKANLAH aktivitas-aktivitas yang membuat md feel secure. Md ngelakuin hal hal ituh cuma kalo md ada dan dapet kesempatan buat ngelakuinnya.

Maybe I just ike to live on the edge. Maybe I am such a bad person. Maybe I'm not. I dont know. I dont really care which one I am. It is not my place, NOR yours, to judge.
Leave it to God. I pledge guilty for all the wrongdoings I have done in my life, please lead me to the right path. I know Thou is The One who knows what's best for me. Guide me to the light. amin

PS: new thing, I dont know why I like to list things out. this is like the hundreds time I put list in my post.. what the????
and ow.. the lay out is ancurr... huff.. lagi males benerin ah